Wise stuff I want to remember

My daughter said this to me today " mom you need to roll with this instead on trying to push through this" meaning instead of trying to go ok I am over chemo now to get well. I need to relax and roll with this. Instead of saying get over it I am bald ....feel the feeling and then roll with this. I like this. She is wise. My dr also said my chances of recurrence is 5 % I like that too. Wise stuff. A friend said look at all this upcoming ongoing medical stuff as TCM (taking care of melody) instead of more stuff to do because of the cancer. I like that too. Think of my baldness the proof the chemo worked. Ps37:5 literal meaning "roll your way on to Jehovah and trust upon Him and he works" I like this he works ...end of discussion he works.  This is just random wise stuff I want to remember.

Recurrence

 Recurrence ...a word that scares me. Almost as much as one of those scary movies that I can't watch. When I read about recurrence of breast cancer, all these things come tumbling into my mind. I want to run away....never go to the doctor ...close my eyes so I don't have to see it. It frightens me. Makes me want to say I hope instead of it will never come again. It makes space for the bad stuff in life. At this point I haven't come to terms with this word. Most of the time I pretend it doesn't exist but I know I can only pretend for so long. It really takes to much energy to press those thought out of my mind. At some point I have to accept the word recurrence and not let it frighten me. God is still God even in recurrence. God still is sovereign and is love. But for now I not letting the word into my vocabulary and I am proclaiming I am free at last.

Chemo # 4 done....chemo done forever.....now my body has to work overtime as chemo kills cells and my body starts to rebuild. God is amazing giving us what we need when we need it. I decided to go bald today to the cancer center. I thought what a great place to start. I ran into a woman that just had a very little hair. This was just so hopeful for me. She had a great attitude and I just loved that. Then I went into chemo had a great nurse who moved me efficiently through chemo. On top of that I had a friend and my husband bring me flowers and gifts. This was just the icing on the chemo cake today.....love this. I do feel like I am seeing the dawn after a dark night. Beautiful.

Better today

Ok today is a better day. My mind is stronger. Yesterday I read a couple of blogs that made a difference. One showed picture of a woman hair growing back. Gave me prospective on how long this will take and another blog talk about how on lady embraced her baldness as a sign that the chemo was working and to show people what surviving looks like. I also read some comments that basically talk about working with your body and not against it. I needed this . Thank you God for putting things in the right perspective. One I am not going to just spring back when chemo is over it will be a journey of balance and continuing to TCM (taking care of Mel). Two my hair will not grow back tomorrow I have to give it time and embrace this season of baldness. I know I am weak but God is strong.

Tired

I am tired. It kind of just comes on me. I might be doing good,things are going along and then a wave of tiredness comes on. The bad thing about this is my mind is tired too. Crazy things seem sane when you are tired and normal things seem crazy. I have always hated being tired because my attitude sucks when I am tired. My attitude sucks when I am tired. That is why I have friends that pray for me. I will be glad when chemo is done. Lord I need your strength and wisdom to take care of myself. I am just rambling!

Bring the light

Chemo # 3 ......went well ....had a group of wonderful great ladies pamper me all the way through it. They made it so easy. Then I had my dinner provided for me by a super couple. I had a good day. I feel the effect of chemo coming on but that is ok....that just said chemo is working..... It was really tough to get my mind ready this time more because I am starting to feel the fatigue and I really no that is not me. God is doing a work in my heart and transforming in every area of my life to be the woman he has made me to be.....so believe it or not I am thanking God for this season. I see how sweet he is and how he uses people to encourage ,hold me up ,make me laugh, love me and on and on. Bring me his light in actions. love this. God is good. I want to be a person God will use to bring his light into the world.

I feel good strong getting ready for the #3 chemo. I have been thinking ....I am sure God is showing me I have been getting water from a dry well . Meaning for years I think I have been going to get water from a well that had no water and then being frustrated when it didnt work. Its like getting frustrated with people when they dont met your expectation when they are just doing the best they can. I choose different. this is a hard post but i want to remember this. I feel God turning my head in a different direction. I got to let go and only go to God for the living water.True I am open to your leading God I will follow you. I love you with my whole heart soul and mind. Show me the path I will follow you. Thank you God!