Waiting in peace

Ok this is the way I see it this morning...either I trust the world or trust God....I am waiting in peace trusting God.

Still waiting

Really......I just got off the phone with the lab that is doing my oncotype test...very nice customer service representative named Vic. He told me that my official 10th day was Friday march 1st and they estimate being done on Friday. I wanted to say "Vic, if someone doesn't get it done sooner I may get in my car and drive to California and kick some ass" but since I am trying to show  "ridiculous  love"  this month...I just thanked Vic for his time and then Vic said he would call me when my test was done. How nice but really how utterly frustrating to know a man name Vic will be letting me know when I can move on with this thing. God I am your child and I believe you are in this ...truth but that doesn't make it less frustrating. Still waiting

Wait

Let's get on with this....really can we just do something ...but I have to wait. Every time my phone rings I think its the doctor tell me the results are in. I think I am going to have post traumatic stress disorder from waiting for these test results. If a task has a due date in a month my first reaction isn't can I get it done ...I don't know what I will be doing in a month.....I comb my hair and think will I have my hair in a month....I lay down to sleep and think will i have to struggle to get comfortable in a month....so much in this time of waiting .....I WANT MY LIFE BACK.....but then I still wait ...I take comfort in knowing Gods timing is perfect ..so I trust that I need this wait time .......but really God could we get on with it but maybe I am not  ready....I know his timing is perfect.

No cancer today

Today I clean my house, made a package to send to my daughter, went out to brunch with a friend ,sat and watched stupid tv, quilted...normal day off. I even thought no cancer today. It felt normal until the place called that was doing the test to check to see if I agreed to pay what the insurance wouldn't. Really but I ain't got time for that ....no cancer today ;)

And God was there

On January 15,2013 my doctor office called and ask me to meet with my dr in a half hour. Well it isn't good news when the dr office calls and tells you to meet with your dr and it isn't good news when they want you to come in that quickly. Also I just had a breast biopsy so yes this isn't good. I was at work ,so I walk across the hall and ask a friend to come to my office. I shut the door and said the dr office just call and wanted me to come in and then said $&@&, $&&@, $&&$, it's cancer ........dam dam dam .  Well Kelli went to the office with me and that is what the dr said. I called my sister on the way to the office. Couldn't get her but my brother in-law had her call me. She listen to all the dr said. The question then was well what do I do now. I just got news that would change my life for ever. What do you do. I don't mean how do you get help because the dr office did all the calls to the needed dr appointment. What do I do with myself . Go back to work.....that doesn't seem logical but staying home alone was really not attractive. Kelli and I got Starbucks and sat at my house and I breathed. Called a couple of people and then went to work and told my boss. Then I went to bible study because that is what I do on Tuesday. My friends listen and loved on me. Where was God .....one he was in the timing. They told me two to three days. I told people it would be three to five days to give myself time to process. The call came at work I wouldn't have answered if I had known but it came the next day after the biopsy. God knew I needed someone to go and he pick the perfect friend because she is so in tune with people's feelings. She gave me time and did not argue with me when I decided what I needed to do. Also he made sure my sister heard the dr because she needed to help me process this. And he blessed me with it being a Tuesday because these bible study ladies are my life long friends who love me and know me. One more thing that blessed me is kelli took a bunch of sticky notes and wrote scriptures on them. Those notes saved me in days to come. Yes God was right there with me and gave me everything I need to carry me through.

Jesus freak

This is a hard blog to do but here it goes.....I went to the medical oncologist yesterday and basically he said I need to get a test of my tumor to see if I need chemo. Lets just say once again my plan and God plan collided. My tears last night were a mixture of frustration that this is not just done and sadness with chemo in the picture. I know that I can't plan or control this but it doesn't keep me from trying. I just got myself open to radiation now chemo is being looked at. Well what do I do with all of it. Give it to Jesus I know that is easy to say but really doing it is actually somewhat easy todo because really let's face the truth I don't have any other option. God is needed and is involved....so after a lot of tears and my hubby's heart felt prayers I am looking at the next 7days as a rest from cancer and a walk with Jesus. The test results will come back in 7-10 days. I like that.....I really getting to be a Jesus freak

On to....

Ok reality, I probably have some cancer cells still left. I have to say that because otherwise I would question treatment. Studies show woman who undergo lumpectomy and do not have any treatment have a very high chance of the cancer coming back in the same spot. Eventhough I like to say I am cancer free....not quit accurate. So now on to treatment. Lord what ever is in my future one thing I know for sure is you will be right here with me. I am blessed and have be blessed. Also thank you for just the right husband because he is perfect for me :)

Truth

Ok I just need to say this to someone (and yes I know this is a blog and I am really talking to no one) but if I had my choice (which I don't and really,I wasn't ask if I want to),i would not go to the oncologist tomorrow. I would just go to work and pretend that I am just ok but yet that is not the reality. I want to stay in this period of time after surgery but before the treatment start. The quiet moments where no dr are poking and giving me % and where I believe I am cancer free. Yet tomorrow must come. Truth I like to think sometimes that this is all a dream that I will wake up from and than God it was only a dream :)

The story unfolds

Wow going back to work about wipe me out! Amazing how much life takes..... I want to remember how sweet God has been in this cancer journey. So many things and so many opportunities to see him. I am going to blog them because somehow this blogging helps me to feel the reality of this situation. (Even though I feel like I am miss spelling everyword and my grammar sucks but that is another idol I deal with)
The day before my second surgery I went to the grocery store to get prepared for recovery ( that is one of those thing always be prepared funny I sometimes don't know what I am preparing for) I had a tough recovery after the first one and thought I better prepare for that. The emotions of this situation were overwhelming. As I entered the store I started to think about how my emotions can stop me from thinking and how much my friends have carried me through this. Then I thought about my
 Brother Dan who died more than a year ago of lung cancer. I wondered if he felt this overwhelming emotions and how did he deal with it and then I thought about my dad and the same thing. I started to cry right there in the grocery store.  Then God.......at that same moment(or really close).one of my friends text me a sweet note and she text me all through the grocery store until I was done. Then she said how proud she was of me to get through the store.  Why did she text when she did because she followed God prompting. God has been in the details of this situation. A friend responding to a need is God Holy Spirit at work in my life .....love that

My new normal

Tomorrow back to work but not back to normal. I've started my new normal now which means I need to deal with cancer treatments and take care of myself. This is surprisingly hard. I have always thought I had the tendency to be a little selfish. You know thinking about myself to much and my needs. This however is difference it is more about taking care of this vessel so God can use me to be light into the world(that sounds so Holy but really that is what God wants all of us to do). So now when I am tired I need to rest ,when I am hungry ,eat stuff that will nourish my body and exercise. Of course I like the last one but now I can't go crazy just move my body not try to run it to death.
Here is another rather surprising detail I want to not just move on from this. At first that is truly all I wanted to do but now I want to learn what God is teaching me through this my new normal. He is calling my name and speaking so sweetly to me I don't want to loose that and go back to the crowdy noisy world. I like this new normal today.
Another thing since I am just rambling(I wonder if I will reread these or just think they are to long) I believe my body is working very hard and it is amazing how it is protecting me and regenerating. God did a fine job creating this body. I am wonderfully and fearfully made :) thanks sis for telling me this .
One more thing I have so many people praying for me I am amazed . I am on everyone prayer list. That just feels good. A friend of my sister put me on a list where nuns are praying for me 24 hrs a day .Cathy said if I wake up in the middle of the night I would know someone is praying for me. That is very comforting. So there you go....my new normal.....I like this

The nitty and gritty God

Ok time to blog again. What did I do today relax. I know "really" but yes I relaxed all day.Listen to music, read a good fiction book , watch some reality tv, went for a walk and sat and meditated on all that I have to be thankful for. I am thankful for Gods truth, his unfailing love, his ever present spirit, for time to breathe before starting the next leg of this journey, for people he has put in my life that just love me, for an unbelievable strong husband that is a rock. I thank God for moments of unbelievable peace and calm to great fear and anger because it all pointed me back to my Father. I thanked God for people who filled the gaps when all I could do was cry and pray" help me God". Those people prayed for me ,they stood in the gap. The truth so far in this journey is that God is in the details. I knew he was in the big picture. However,when someone gets involved in the details of your life, They are in the down and dirty. I have experienced God in the down and dirty ,in the details of my life. I like that ...a down and dirty God ....well maybe a nitty and gritty God that sounds better :)

Best news

You know what the best news is when the dr office calls and says your pathology report came back neg. yes it is official as of today I am living as a survivor ...a pink lady ....ac after cancer today feb 4 2013.... God glory I am a winner

I ain't superwoman

Well how am I feeling today ,you might ask:
Physically: good, not too much pain and generally good energy. Went for a short walk around the block ( it is amazing I am happy with that considering in July of last year I was running 13 miles but I digress ). Overall considering I have had two surgeries in the last two weeks. I feel pretty good.
Mentally: today is a strong day. I hear Gods words of comfort in emails and also phone callers. He is blessing me
Emotional: well let's just say I have some anger. I wish it was the screaming, yelling kind (though Dave wouldn't like it) I wish I could just have a fit and get it out of my system but that isn't what I am dealing with. This anger is the slow brewing kind that seeps out at all the wrong times. I know it's there and I understand it but really it has no focus. I am not angry at God I have been at times in my past but not over this . I understand we live in a fallen world crappy stuff happens. I am not angry a people. Though sometimes it seems like it. I know we are all doing what we can. I want to be angry at cancer but really cancer is just cancer with a little c. I am angry that I can't just live my life like I always did. Love God, love people (some people) and work. Have a little fun and live. Now I got to take more care of me.....that is not what I want to do. I don't have no time to take care of me....really now I have to take care of me. That is probably the most frustrating thing....I have limits...really I realize I just didn't think I did. That's just funny. I ain't superwoman .......

Waiting

I really glad this surgery is at 10 and not at 1 because I am thirsty and hungry. I woke up at 3:30 of course and now the waiting begins. Wait to check in, wait to complete paper work that i already completed the first time,wait for the dr, wait to go to sleep, wait to completely wake up, wait for pain meds to kick in, wait for someone to put my clothes on,wait for dave to get the jeep,wait to go home and then wait for the next pathology report to come back. God does a lot of waiting too. Wait for us to seek him wait for us to read his letters, wait for us to see Jesus , wait for us to love others ,wait for us to come back to Jesus, and wait for us to truly surrender and wait for us to get it. I think I like my waiting better.