Joy in sorrow

It is amazing when someone tells you just what you need to hear when your heart is breaking and you are unable to move beyond your own pain. It is doubly amazing when that person is your own child in a grown up body speaking words that heals your heart. My heart was breaking over and over again about my hair falling out but I could not get myself to move. It only happen for a few days but I constantly was thinking ok when is it going to stop and how bad is this and what am going to do. I was stuck and then Adecia came. She looked at my hair and said mom it's time. More than that she said I was stuck and I had to come to terms with my hair. She listen as I told her my heart was breaking over loosing my hair and all I wanted was to go back. I wanted the old me. She hugged me and said it was time to let it go and embrace the new. Then Dave,Adecia and I shaved my head. I had so much peace when it was done. I know God was there.....my daughter is amazing and she said what I would of said. She also was strong for me. I can't explain the joy I have in knowing and actually seeing my daughter be a very powerful woman. This is the joy in the sorrow. They often walk hand in hand. They are both God's blessing. You don't really know joy until you really understand sorrow.

Every sorrow has a little joy in it.

I have been trying to blog for a couple of days but it has been hard. It is hard to describe my hair falling out. Really hard to even comprehended it. I can't explain what it feel like to look down and see a big glob of your hair not attached to your head. This has been going on for about four days and at this point I am seeing some patches. My daughter went with me to pick out a hat,scarf and wig. Guess I am set. This is my new normal. Grieving my hair but thankful for options. Every sorrow has a little joy in it. Like it is amazing to know my daughter could support me like she did. She was very strong even in my tears. I met an amazing lady today whose job is to help cancer survivors deal with hair loss. She was wonderful. My husband loves me with or without hair ...lot of joy in that. I have friends that will talk to me in my tears and friends that will go where ever I need them to go. I am growing in my empathy for others. I like Gods plan the best because he is always prepared. Little joys in sorrow.

Resting in God ...not doing Mel's plan

Resting in God....funny I was running from this. That is just silly but me. When I got the news that my white blood count was low and I couldn't go to work I got very frustrated because I wanted to do something....really I love my work and the kids and the staff.,..I just wanted a little normal back but that is not what happen. I felt crappy all day ....some as a result of the low blood count and some as a result of wanting to dododododo. I tried to make goals which didn't help anything because what I needed to do was rest. It's funny that even when I am tired I still feel I need to push myself. I went to a nutrition class yesterday afternoon where I learned that I just need to take care of myself. I went home and told dave.... cancel the plan for the evening and then rested. I felt better. Today was great I rested,spent time with God and enjoy my restful day. Funny that is what I needed to do from the get go.......I am learning and God is teaching. Oh and I love my sister. We laugh a lot together.

Amazing planner

Well my blood work came back low in white blood cells (actually really low). What does that mean? My immune system needs some help. They gave me a shot that should bring it back up in 3 to 5 days. Good but that means no work today and tomorrow. The following week is spring break so I am off until April 1. I miss work, the kids, the staff and just the doing. I love my job because I love working with people who just want to help. I was bummed out for a while but God. He is the one who knows, I believed if I needed to work today he would have made that happen. He has taken care of things so far. Love that. I love to plan but now I am beginning to love and wait for God's plan. GOD IS THE AMAZING PLANNER( that's funny in pictured God as a day planner)

Call me Ms Overachiever

Ok this is just funny! I want to be the best chemo patient in the world. I know its a warp thought but funny. I was talking to a friend and I realized my Goal is to be the best chemo patient ever. What does that mean..... I guess I want to go through chemo with no problems and people say wow you are doing well. I think it is a personality flaw I always have to do things 100% or go home. Everything i do I have to do well or dying try(really don't want to do this this time)  but doing chemo well means taking care of me and riding the wave. Well truth I am not the best chemo patient ever and yes I have problems.... With God I will get through chemo and my hope this will be the last I will see of cancer. But I do think I can be really good chemo patient. Call me Ms. Overachiever.

The best day ever

This is the best day ever....ok not really just the best day in the last 5 days which have seemed like forever. I have a lot of energy and just feel good but I have had a lot of best days....the day my daughter was born...the many days with my dad talking....the day I met dave and the day I married dave...the day Kyle actually act like he liked me .....the day the kids graduated.....the day I received my master degree....the day they said all the cancer was gone and today. And the many days I see Gods smile in the faces of hurt children and the many days when God is so real I feel his touch. But today seems like the best day ever. ;)

Meet my friends "side effects"

My joints hurt,my muscles hurt, my stomach is upset, I am tired and I am having a variety of other side effects.this has happen off and on today. To the point I did consider jumping off this chemo trip ....I read about people who stop chemo in the middle, today I understand. However with God I can do it. Dave prayed for me and friends prayed..... I experienced relief. I wish I could say my first thought was prayer but no my first thought was give me &$@& something. But then prayer and it works. Thank you God for the peace more than anything.      My sister,today,  told me to make friends with my side effect. I thought ok ......really you are crazy . She explained that these side effect are sign the chemo is working and I should take comfort in knowing its working. Well true..... so meet my friend "side effect". Of course they are not my BFF....I am not willing to go that far.

All is good

Much more energy today. Though the afternoon a little more tired. Seem to loose steam about 1. That's ok because I like having energy in the morning. I enjoyed the morning sunshine and all the time with God. Thank you for another day. All is good

Nothing

Well first side effects start last night . I didn't sleep very well and I started to feel nausea. I slept off and on all day . Did feel like much of anything. My mouth was dry and I had some weird taste stuff going on. But all in all not too bad. I did walk around the block and read some but just mostly slept. I really have nothing funny to say today.

Another beautiful hair day

Well done with my first chemo treatment. Went well really. It was pretty long ( got there at 8:45 and left at 3) met some interesting people and of course had some laughs . All and all good. I had a great amount of peace for the most part except when I first sat in the chemo chair. I think that stressed me out and then this lady just kept talking and Dave kept looking at the chemo bag and then at me....I did have some $&$2$):(:( thoughts at that point but txt one of my friends so she could pray. Then the peace came back. Right now I am doing good. I do have more meds than I ever thought I would have on my bathroom counter and I am hyper-sensitive to anything I am feeling but really good. I am thinking about taking a walk with God. No not dying but actually going for a walk and talking to God. Praise him for a beautiful hair day again.

Choosing the better

Sometimes I get so focused on the problem I can't see God. When I start to feel hopeless,alone, fearful and full of dread, this is a sign that my mind is full of fear and I have lost sight of God. God doesn't change, he is always the same. What changes is my focus. The funny thing is the minute we turn back to gaze on him, we see his open arms and his willingness to have us sit at his feet. Just like Mary choosing what is better. ( Luke 10:38-42)

Checking out

Ok I wish I could "check out" meaning I wish I could say oh that is sad you have to do chemo. Stay strong you are so strong. I will pray for you maybe even pray with you. I would Remember every so often to text or call you but I do have my own life so good luck with that chemo thing. I know that sounds harsh but I feel that today from a lot of places. Is it natural....well yes .... no one can do this for me. I can share my feelings but I can't share the actual drug. I can't share what it will cause my body to do ....I can tell people but I can't give it to them...I got to do this alone....I feel alone today for a variety of reasons.....however God is an every present God and yes he will share this with me. He never checks out because he can handle anything....that's why people check out because they are human and they can only do so much...I can only do so much so today I am laying my future chemo at Gods feet and checking out because I too am at my limit.

My armor on

Lets just say I am a person who loves a plan and loves to be prepared....ok really I LOVE this. Now on Wednesday I will have my first chemo treatment. I want to be prepared....I want to make a list .....I want to think of everything that I need .....fill a bag and get set. That sounds so wonderful but (there is always a but) I really don't know what I will need ....I can guess and listen to other who have had similar treatment but I won't know until I do it.  HOWEVER I know who does know ...he knows everything, he sees everything, he understands everything and he loves me completely....GOD ....be still and know I am God. He is preparing me by putting on my armor ......love this he is preparing me because he LOVES being prepared way more than me...nothing takes him by surprise...so this terminator (cancer killer) is getting her Armor on ...which was made by the GREAT IAM ....awesome I really used a lot a capitals this time ..:)

Peaceful place

It is interest what can give me comfort....today I left the house early with no real destination. I have to be at work by 8 before BC I would go in as early as 6. Once I received the diagnoses I decide 8 was my goal I need less stress and more peace. So anyhow I left early this morning and found myself at panara.....I just feel peaceful here....I like the people at panara they all seem to want that same peace and they are just talking....I am sitting across from a group of women who look like great freinds I love that .....what other places give me peace you might ask...the fabric store. I love all the color and the texture and of course the potential , I love Starbucks I just love to watch the people and of course drink coffee. The people at Starbucks are a little different then panara they always seem to have something to do. I also love churches with stainglass of course you can't order coffee at most of those churches :) these churches are usually very quiet and in some way give me peace they also remind me do my Dad both earthly and spiritual.

Fearless

This weekend I found my fearless necklace....I lost it in Dec and looked all over the place and couldn't find it. Then when I got diagnosed I looked again still couldn't find it. This weekend I told God (more liked cried) that I was afraid of chemo and all that was with it.....however I knew he will be with me as he has been all along...later I found my necklace which is a dog tag with the word
"fearless" on it...I already had the "I am" tag. Now I have " I am fearless" .....I hear you God... I am fearless because God is the Great "I am" .....truth

Dessert

One of my best friend and sister-law said this and I want to remember this.....remember God will let you be done with this process when the cancer is Forked....God with a dessert fork in his hand ...why it is the last fork used in the meal, This is then one to officially Fork cancer.

Business of killing cancer cells

Heard from the dr on Thursday. I will be going through a short course of chemo. I will have 4 session over a two month period. On Wednesday I am meeting with my dr to get all of this set up. Due to the results of testing chemo will be a preventative measure. Then from there I will have a course of radiation which consist of daily treatments for 5 to 7 weeks. We caught the cancer early on so these treatments are not as aggressive. 
Emotionally I continue to try to deal with my plan verses God's plan and just allowing myself the space and time to deal with things. Dave is the best husband for me in all of this. He has been praying with me and being very loving. I need prayers for strength and clarity with how and what I am doing and prayers for Dave's strength and wisdom. 
Well now I have somewhat of an idea of what I will be doing for the next 4 month. Killing cancer cells ...that will be my new business. I am in the business of killing cancer cells...I believe based on this journey so far God see this as much more than that.  This is going to be quite the ride I better hold on :)