This is the day the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad #1

Today I am thankful for visiting my daughter with my mother. Nice weather good conversation and bought great shoes. Today my mom share with me about her mother-in-law and how difficult it was to live with her.

What was that feeling

I finished work after a long meeting Blah Blah Blah. No one really cares.  It was full but I went biking better now what is that feeling. It is the one that cause me to eat and makes me restless. It isn't worry or frustration but just built up energy and I always feel like calling someone but not really knowing what to say. God what is that feeling? I definitely am not sure.

Yes I want to talk but no I don't want to talk

I am having one of those moments I want to eat everything in the house i have already gone over my points but I am just not satisfied Hear me i didn't say hunger but I am not satisfied I want something. It is like when I want to talk to my daughter then she calls and I think I don't want to talk because what she is saying I don't want to hear. i think sometimes I don't know what I want. Help me God with this feeling. Yep I went over. Why because I started eating and just couldn't get satisfied. I am not hungry I just can't get satisfied. Ok God help. You are my portion. I feel bad about everything. I feel like I am just not saying the right thing doing the right thing. Everything....... But what is the truth. I am totally needed God. So Lord I am in need of you tonight I want to fill myself with something other than you help me Lord today.

And then we just live

Now we try to live like nothing bad has happened. We get up go to work, eat a little something, do a little something and breathe. Then we watch a little TV and we go to sleep. Then out of no where someone says something or something happens and all that stuff comes back. I miss him and then tears and anger and stuff. I want to reach out and say wait, but that is it. Where do I put this how do I make this what do I do? Good questions. God this is where you take over. Complete surrender. Thank you. Thank you

Ok I know it isn't about me

I have got to be the most selfish person on earth. I know it isn't about me but I feel like no one is hearing me or needing me and I want to fill this gap. I think I am going to some how. Maybe with something am I lost or am I blind. probably a little of both. help me lord.

Nothing Said

What do I do when an old friend doesn't say anything about the sorrow. Oh they said I am sorry for your loss but that is it. They really didn't want to talk I need to talk I am mad at them. What kind of friend doesn't call or talk or anything. I have other friends but this just makes me mad. What do I do when nothing is said. What do I do when my sister doesn't call why didn't she I did. I tried to keep her up to date. In my head I think it is selfish. She probably wanted to keep it to herself. Or she thinks I said to much or she think I can't handle it or she whatever........Whatever. That bothers me. I am happy she called mom. Maybe that is who needs it. I feel worthless. Where is that coming from? I probably can go for days and no one would notice I wasn't there. This is old stuff. Where is it coming from. Should I just shake it off and move on. It not like it was my child or parent or spouse. God I can't see help me. I thought I just wanted to be alone but really. I hate that I am nothing nothing nothing. Nothing Said. Who really cares what I think I don't care what I think. I think to much. I can't do any of this none none none help me help me help me.Where am I going to be when I die? What is important? Is this helping? I like that know one reads this blog but yet I publish it. That is weird

A little weepy don't know why.

Today I got up and went to bible study. Talk to my Dear Friends about what has happen over the past couple of weeks. Felt good went to work did well until noon. Then I was a little weepy. Wasn't sure why. That is funny in its self. I'm weepy because all the stuff. There are going to be moment where I just get weepy. That's ok I can deal with that. I just have to accept I am going to feel this way and keep going. Process and keep going. I love my brother and really do just miss having him in the world. I am tempted just to say I am fine. I am just fine, but really that doesn't help. I am worried about Jeff. Just worried. Please God protect him call him help him. Just Be with him. He is such a sweet boy. Dan was a sweet boy too with an edge to him.
Could someone explain to Dave what I am going through. He just doesn't get it. I know. What is he going to do when it happens to him. It will you know.

What just happened?

Well I made it to Arizona. My brother was in a intense rehabilitation center. He was responsive and could do limited communication. My mom and I visited three times a day from Thursday July 21st until Monday July 25. So much!!! He would have good periods and then bad periods. He would communicate but be very agitated. It was hard. Then Monday we went by the center to visit before we flew home. He was already taken to the hospital due to a possible heart attack. What a Chaotic time; Should we go home, should I reschedule, is Dan going to make it ,where is Jeff, Steve come quick, What is mom needing, how do I help, where is the nurse Do I see Dan, what is this Doctor saying,What are they doing, My Brother, He is dying,This should be Cathy here instead of me, I am watching him Dye, We love you Dan, You are not alone, Why is he still moving, When do I leave, How do I tell mom, We are waiting to see Dan's Body, DAVE I need you....,Can mom handle this, What is Jeff doing, Where is Steve, I can't do this, Where is Steve, we will wait for Steve, STEVE and KIM thanks God, I can't look at his body again, HE IS GONE. Jeff, Jeff, Who is he, Oh my God he is so sweet and smart but he is 23, really you want to do that, Go back to Steve's. DAVE I NEED YOU.......Funeral arrangements. Adecia that helped thanks,Make a dam Decision.Jeff it is OK,  Are you sure, am I sure, what has happen, When is Cathy going to be here, Dave Dave Dave,I am so happy for Starbucks, I think I will sleep at Starbucks, Jeff you want to wear all black, It ok Dave I can do this, What is left to do,YEAH CATHY IS HERE, just take over I am checking out, Kim is wonderful, How does she do that, Everyone is here, We are seven as long as we stay in this room. Let's just stay with Dan, Lets not leave him, We can't leave him, DAVE DAVE I MISS YOU, He is just late he will be here, He is here....... I need space I need my husband ,I need to just cry,Adecia you are so good, I need I need I need, We are laughing but we are crying, Steve is amazing he just got up there and did it,People loved Dan, We loved Dan, Pool time, I am going home, Why go home we are leaving Dan wait he is already gone, cry, Mom is not processing, mom is sad, how do I help can't,I am HOME. But it is still here.DAVE, YOU ARE HERE I AM NOT GOING TO LET GO!!!!! What just happened?

Well I am getting prepared

I had some great God time this morning , I stayed focus all day, I had a great conversation with a friend, I talk to my daughter (love that) I did a little quilting, spent some quality time with my husband,he prayed for me and more, talked to my sister: I am getting prepared to take a journey with my mom to see my brother who is very sick. Tomorrow I will visit my special ladies and make sure they are praying for me. Then I will do as much as possible at work and then I will come home and pack. I getting prepared. Really all I need is you God and my bag will be pack. I TRUST you and know you will be with me helping support my mom. Guiding me leading me showing me. My eyes will be open. Show me the way. Thank you God.

I feel much more together today

Well it is true. Today I feel together like I am actually moving. Why? That is the question. I don't know if it was yesterday not wanting to do anything I mean even getting up off the couch I had to really think about. Or was it this morning my God time. God the audience of one. His power his thoughts his spirit. Even today when someone talked about person going over my head with a decision she didn't like. I still felt okay.  I felt God's love his grace and his will. Lord Fill me up for this trip I need you.

Saturday

Well blah blah blah, cleaning the house. Not a lot happening here. I really can't get out of this blah blah mood. Another Saturday and I am doing nothing exciting. Nothing to look forward too. Swimming laps. really not something to look forward too even though my husband tries to convince me it is. Here again blah blah blah As I clean the house my blahs go away. This usually happens because I like to see the clean product of my work. I always like see what I can do. The accomplishments. However I still have that sense of what am I doing. Why am I here. I am not sure I will get that from cleaning my house. Oh I need to fold the clothes be right back. ok All done clean except the dog. Need to give her a bath today. Hair all over the house. I hate that. The evergreen triatholon was today. It is hot but still would have been fun. I feel like I will never do a tri again where has all my youth gone. We went to see a movie today, "Horrible Bosses" Funny. Also went swimming. I feel a little more centered.I am always so concerned about my feeling really.

Wow I know so wonderful ladies

I have this year pick up a bible study that is at 5:50 am Wednesday morning. This is actually the best time for me. Mornings are when I function the best have the best conversation(even though no one usually wants to have one with me) and just am the quickest mentally. I love these group of women. I mean I really love them. Not like people say oh I love....... and really mean they are neat and like being around them. I truly mean I love them, my heart is connected to them. This is mostly because they want to grow. I love that. I want to share things with these women that I wouldn't with other people. I want to share my failures and laugh and then cry. How blessed I am that I have this group. Really God you know I didn't deserve this or work for it or plan for it you just graced me. Yea Yea.......... God is like that. I also notice I am better because of them. I am more peaceful and less anxious. I am not sure why but that is true. I know why they are praying for me!!!! That gives me comfort. Go figure...I am a better wife and definitely better mother I am just better Thanks you ladies.

Servent

I am a servent A leader must be able to follow. Many are the plans in man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Ps 19:20-21 An audience of One. What we devote our mind to Makes all the difference

Ok do I really want to blog or do I like the Idea of blogging

Truly I want to blog but then again I am not. I think of something to blog about and I think I can't write that. What the heck. Well my little adventure with changing my eating habits(dieting, losing weight) I lost wow a total of 2 lbs in 5 days. I only have about 23 left to go. It is a start. I am starting that graze  again. You know where you sit in front of the TV and think about what to eat. Maybe sitting in front of the TV isn't good. Have to think about that. Today I was out at summer camp with the kids. That actually was great fun very very hot but great fun. Kids were good, Teachers were good, life is good. Wow really. Came home early thought about quilting but didn't. I really love my job. I like this blogging it is a relief to just write. I use to just write all the time and then I thought I have to write for a reason. Then I stop. How many time have I questioned something and just stopped doing it. That is funny. Today one of my brothers and my sister called. This is very unusual for my brother to called it kind of freaked me out. That is sad. My sister and I talk quite often. I love my sister. I wish I was closer to my brother but that won't happen. When I talk to them sometimes it is like talking to Dad. I miss Dad.I am feeling like crying. Sometimes I think about him. He has been gone for more than 9 years. Wow. I still cry sometimes. It is funny how life changes. I will be soon 50 what the heck. How did that happen. Where is God in all of this all over it. Every minute of every day. He is right here. I love that he is faithful. I need to pray for my husband. I think I hurt his feeling yesterday. I said he need to read about being a good husband. I was just mad. When I told him we had to go to the Hospital because a family member was just admitted. He ask " Whose the we" That wasn't funny. Ok he just did something very nice for me so I have forgiven him.

Today is the day!!!!

How many times have I started this and just given up? Not today I am going to make this different. Today was a day I spent with God. I had the day off alone. I spent time with God. He reminded me of his grace. I love days like today when I feel him and know he is with me. I am his child. I did a little quilting, a little scrapbooking, a lot of praying and a lot of reading. I feel refreshed. Didn't I just read about the Sabbath and look at God. He gave me a Sabbath. I also did a bike ride. I love the summer and the beauty of nature. I missed running terribly but I love to bike too. I am blessed.