Yes I want to talk but no I don't want to talk

I am having one of those moments I want to eat everything in the house i have already gone over my points but I am just not satisfied Hear me i didn't say hunger but I am not satisfied I want something. It is like when I want to talk to my daughter then she calls and I think I don't want to talk because what she is saying I don't want to hear. i think sometimes I don't know what I want. Help me God with this feeling. Yep I went over. Why because I started eating and just couldn't get satisfied. I am not hungry I just can't get satisfied. Ok God help. You are my portion. I feel bad about everything. I feel like I am just not saying the right thing doing the right thing. Everything....... But what is the truth. I am totally needed God. So Lord I am in need of you tonight I want to fill myself with something other than you help me Lord today.

And then we just live

Now we try to live like nothing bad has happened. We get up go to work, eat a little something, do a little something and breathe. Then we watch a little TV and we go to sleep. Then out of no where someone says something or something happens and all that stuff comes back. I miss him and then tears and anger and stuff. I want to reach out and say wait, but that is it. Where do I put this how do I make this what do I do? Good questions. God this is where you take over. Complete surrender. Thank you. Thank you

Ok I know it isn't about me

I have got to be the most selfish person on earth. I know it isn't about me but I feel like no one is hearing me or needing me and I want to fill this gap. I think I am going to some how. Maybe with something am I lost or am I blind. probably a little of both. help me lord.

Nothing Said

What do I do when an old friend doesn't say anything about the sorrow. Oh they said I am sorry for your loss but that is it. They really didn't want to talk I need to talk I am mad at them. What kind of friend doesn't call or talk or anything. I have other friends but this just makes me mad. What do I do when nothing is said. What do I do when my sister doesn't call why didn't she I did. I tried to keep her up to date. In my head I think it is selfish. She probably wanted to keep it to herself. Or she thinks I said to much or she think I can't handle it or she whatever........Whatever. That bothers me. I am happy she called mom. Maybe that is who needs it. I feel worthless. Where is that coming from? I probably can go for days and no one would notice I wasn't there. This is old stuff. Where is it coming from. Should I just shake it off and move on. It not like it was my child or parent or spouse. God I can't see help me. I thought I just wanted to be alone but really. I hate that I am nothing nothing nothing. Nothing Said. Who really cares what I think I don't care what I think. I think to much. I can't do any of this none none none help me help me help me.Where am I going to be when I die? What is important? Is this helping? I like that know one reads this blog but yet I publish it. That is weird

A little weepy don't know why.

Today I got up and went to bible study. Talk to my Dear Friends about what has happen over the past couple of weeks. Felt good went to work did well until noon. Then I was a little weepy. Wasn't sure why. That is funny in its self. I'm weepy because all the stuff. There are going to be moment where I just get weepy. That's ok I can deal with that. I just have to accept I am going to feel this way and keep going. Process and keep going. I love my brother and really do just miss having him in the world. I am tempted just to say I am fine. I am just fine, but really that doesn't help. I am worried about Jeff. Just worried. Please God protect him call him help him. Just Be with him. He is such a sweet boy. Dan was a sweet boy too with an edge to him.
Could someone explain to Dave what I am going through. He just doesn't get it. I know. What is he going to do when it happens to him. It will you know.

What just happened?

Well I made it to Arizona. My brother was in a intense rehabilitation center. He was responsive and could do limited communication. My mom and I visited three times a day from Thursday July 21st until Monday July 25. So much!!! He would have good periods and then bad periods. He would communicate but be very agitated. It was hard. Then Monday we went by the center to visit before we flew home. He was already taken to the hospital due to a possible heart attack. What a Chaotic time; Should we go home, should I reschedule, is Dan going to make it ,where is Jeff, Steve come quick, What is mom needing, how do I help, where is the nurse Do I see Dan, what is this Doctor saying,What are they doing, My Brother, He is dying,This should be Cathy here instead of me, I am watching him Dye, We love you Dan, You are not alone, Why is he still moving, When do I leave, How do I tell mom, We are waiting to see Dan's Body, DAVE I need you....,Can mom handle this, What is Jeff doing, Where is Steve, I can't do this, Where is Steve, we will wait for Steve, STEVE and KIM thanks God, I can't look at his body again, HE IS GONE. Jeff, Jeff, Who is he, Oh my God he is so sweet and smart but he is 23, really you want to do that, Go back to Steve's. DAVE I NEED YOU.......Funeral arrangements. Adecia that helped thanks,Make a dam Decision.Jeff it is OK,  Are you sure, am I sure, what has happen, When is Cathy going to be here, Dave Dave Dave,I am so happy for Starbucks, I think I will sleep at Starbucks, Jeff you want to wear all black, It ok Dave I can do this, What is left to do,YEAH CATHY IS HERE, just take over I am checking out, Kim is wonderful, How does she do that, Everyone is here, We are seven as long as we stay in this room. Let's just stay with Dan, Lets not leave him, We can't leave him, DAVE DAVE I MISS YOU, He is just late he will be here, He is here....... I need space I need my husband ,I need to just cry,Adecia you are so good, I need I need I need, We are laughing but we are crying, Steve is amazing he just got up there and did it,People loved Dan, We loved Dan, Pool time, I am going home, Why go home we are leaving Dan wait he is already gone, cry, Mom is not processing, mom is sad, how do I help can't,I am HOME. But it is still here.DAVE, YOU ARE HERE I AM NOT GOING TO LET GO!!!!! What just happened?