Wise stuff I want to remember

My daughter said this to me today " mom you need to roll with this instead on trying to push through this" meaning instead of trying to go ok I am over chemo now to get well. I need to relax and roll with this. Instead of saying get over it I am bald ....feel the feeling and then roll with this. I like this. She is wise. My dr also said my chances of recurrence is 5 % I like that too. Wise stuff. A friend said look at all this upcoming ongoing medical stuff as TCM (taking care of melody) instead of more stuff to do because of the cancer. I like that too. Think of my baldness the proof the chemo worked. Ps37:5 literal meaning "roll your way on to Jehovah and trust upon Him and he works" I like this he works ...end of discussion he works.  This is just random wise stuff I want to remember.

Recurrence

 Recurrence ...a word that scares me. Almost as much as one of those scary movies that I can't watch. When I read about recurrence of breast cancer, all these things come tumbling into my mind. I want to run away....never go to the doctor ...close my eyes so I don't have to see it. It frightens me. Makes me want to say I hope instead of it will never come again. It makes space for the bad stuff in life. At this point I haven't come to terms with this word. Most of the time I pretend it doesn't exist but I know I can only pretend for so long. It really takes to much energy to press those thought out of my mind. At some point I have to accept the word recurrence and not let it frighten me. God is still God even in recurrence. God still is sovereign and is love. But for now I not letting the word into my vocabulary and I am proclaiming I am free at last.

Chemo # 4 done....chemo done forever.....now my body has to work overtime as chemo kills cells and my body starts to rebuild. God is amazing giving us what we need when we need it. I decided to go bald today to the cancer center. I thought what a great place to start. I ran into a woman that just had a very little hair. This was just so hopeful for me. She had a great attitude and I just loved that. Then I went into chemo had a great nurse who moved me efficiently through chemo. On top of that I had a friend and my husband bring me flowers and gifts. This was just the icing on the chemo cake today.....love this. I do feel like I am seeing the dawn after a dark night. Beautiful.

Better today

Ok today is a better day. My mind is stronger. Yesterday I read a couple of blogs that made a difference. One showed picture of a woman hair growing back. Gave me prospective on how long this will take and another blog talk about how on lady embraced her baldness as a sign that the chemo was working and to show people what surviving looks like. I also read some comments that basically talk about working with your body and not against it. I needed this . Thank you God for putting things in the right perspective. One I am not going to just spring back when chemo is over it will be a journey of balance and continuing to TCM (taking care of Mel). Two my hair will not grow back tomorrow I have to give it time and embrace this season of baldness. I know I am weak but God is strong.

Tired

I am tired. It kind of just comes on me. I might be doing good,things are going along and then a wave of tiredness comes on. The bad thing about this is my mind is tired too. Crazy things seem sane when you are tired and normal things seem crazy. I have always hated being tired because my attitude sucks when I am tired. My attitude sucks when I am tired. That is why I have friends that pray for me. I will be glad when chemo is done. Lord I need your strength and wisdom to take care of myself. I am just rambling!

Bring the light

Chemo # 3 ......went well ....had a group of wonderful great ladies pamper me all the way through it. They made it so easy. Then I had my dinner provided for me by a super couple. I had a good day. I feel the effect of chemo coming on but that is ok....that just said chemo is working..... It was really tough to get my mind ready this time more because I am starting to feel the fatigue and I really no that is not me. God is doing a work in my heart and transforming in every area of my life to be the woman he has made me to be.....so believe it or not I am thanking God for this season. I see how sweet he is and how he uses people to encourage ,hold me up ,make me laugh, love me and on and on. Bring me his light in actions. love this. God is good. I want to be a person God will use to bring his light into the world.

I feel good strong getting ready for the #3 chemo. I have been thinking ....I am sure God is showing me I have been getting water from a dry well . Meaning for years I think I have been going to get water from a well that had no water and then being frustrated when it didnt work. Its like getting frustrated with people when they dont met your expectation when they are just doing the best they can. I choose different. this is a hard post but i want to remember this. I feel God turning my head in a different direction. I got to let go and only go to God for the living water.True I am open to your leading God I will follow you. I love you with my whole heart soul and mind. Show me the path I will follow you. Thank you God!

Immanuel

What a week, I feel today is the first day I feel relatively normal. Still tired but good. My blood work came back that I was anemic. Being tired is normal then. I am amazed how much my body can take and still work. I am amazed at how much I like to sleep. But of course I am amazed at God and his sweet comfort during my chemo week. Thank you God Immanuel

Doesn't change I am his!

I would say chemo #2 was less physically and more mentally. I physically had a pretty easy time except for tired but other than that as long as I took my pills I was fine. Couldnt walk very much but my energy level was lower. However this hit me more mentally like I was a lost puppy trying not to get hit by the cars but not finding home. I think this stuff is often overwhelming ....I mean bald head , can't walk more than a block, feeling like if I eat the wrong stuff or to much I will feel that feeling again and then the dr appointment, bills and all that. It is just overwhelming mentally. Today I have a lot of peace but I think that is where God is bring meto......a peace this world can't take away and I am not willing to give it up. You see I am stuck on this "naked and unashamed." Meaning just being me in this moment and knowing that beyond a doubt and no matter what the world throws my way, I am still God's child and he loves me completely right now bald head , bills, chemo, negative thinking and all the junk. Doesn't change, I am his! Got to love that what else do I need ....nothing today.

Chemo #2 it's all good

Chemo #2 done ...I am half way done with my chemo adventure. Things went well and I had some great visitors that kept me laughing. Then I came home and had a meal deliver by a great cook. Really can't get better than that for a cancer ride. My energy level is down but really I not planning on doing much for the next week. I have really been thinking about this body God gave me. Over the years I have pushed, yelled, been very critical of it, feed it crap,tried not to give it too much and tried to make it into something more (or less really) than it is. I really haven't been to kind to it. Yet today I expect it to take the chemo, let it kill the fast growing cells and then start regenerating those good cells. My body is amazing( I know that sounds weird). Really God has made us all wonderfully, we are masterpieces.  Read psalms 139 if you want to know more.So as I put lotion on my bald head to help my skin , I made a decision to do everything possible to help my body fight this fight,be thankful for what it can do and to let go of this image that has haunted me all these years. I know it's a tall order but I believe God is definitely the creator of this plan. So it is all good.

Joy in sorrow

It is amazing when someone tells you just what you need to hear when your heart is breaking and you are unable to move beyond your own pain. It is doubly amazing when that person is your own child in a grown up body speaking words that heals your heart. My heart was breaking over and over again about my hair falling out but I could not get myself to move. It only happen for a few days but I constantly was thinking ok when is it going to stop and how bad is this and what am going to do. I was stuck and then Adecia came. She looked at my hair and said mom it's time. More than that she said I was stuck and I had to come to terms with my hair. She listen as I told her my heart was breaking over loosing my hair and all I wanted was to go back. I wanted the old me. She hugged me and said it was time to let it go and embrace the new. Then Dave,Adecia and I shaved my head. I had so much peace when it was done. I know God was there.....my daughter is amazing and she said what I would of said. She also was strong for me. I can't explain the joy I have in knowing and actually seeing my daughter be a very powerful woman. This is the joy in the sorrow. They often walk hand in hand. They are both God's blessing. You don't really know joy until you really understand sorrow.

Every sorrow has a little joy in it.

I have been trying to blog for a couple of days but it has been hard. It is hard to describe my hair falling out. Really hard to even comprehended it. I can't explain what it feel like to look down and see a big glob of your hair not attached to your head. This has been going on for about four days and at this point I am seeing some patches. My daughter went with me to pick out a hat,scarf and wig. Guess I am set. This is my new normal. Grieving my hair but thankful for options. Every sorrow has a little joy in it. Like it is amazing to know my daughter could support me like she did. She was very strong even in my tears. I met an amazing lady today whose job is to help cancer survivors deal with hair loss. She was wonderful. My husband loves me with or without hair ...lot of joy in that. I have friends that will talk to me in my tears and friends that will go where ever I need them to go. I am growing in my empathy for others. I like Gods plan the best because he is always prepared. Little joys in sorrow.

Resting in God ...not doing Mel's plan

Resting in God....funny I was running from this. That is just silly but me. When I got the news that my white blood count was low and I couldn't go to work I got very frustrated because I wanted to do something....really I love my work and the kids and the staff.,..I just wanted a little normal back but that is not what happen. I felt crappy all day ....some as a result of the low blood count and some as a result of wanting to dododododo. I tried to make goals which didn't help anything because what I needed to do was rest. It's funny that even when I am tired I still feel I need to push myself. I went to a nutrition class yesterday afternoon where I learned that I just need to take care of myself. I went home and told dave.... cancel the plan for the evening and then rested. I felt better. Today was great I rested,spent time with God and enjoy my restful day. Funny that is what I needed to do from the get go.......I am learning and God is teaching. Oh and I love my sister. We laugh a lot together.

Amazing planner

Well my blood work came back low in white blood cells (actually really low). What does that mean? My immune system needs some help. They gave me a shot that should bring it back up in 3 to 5 days. Good but that means no work today and tomorrow. The following week is spring break so I am off until April 1. I miss work, the kids, the staff and just the doing. I love my job because I love working with people who just want to help. I was bummed out for a while but God. He is the one who knows, I believed if I needed to work today he would have made that happen. He has taken care of things so far. Love that. I love to plan but now I am beginning to love and wait for God's plan. GOD IS THE AMAZING PLANNER( that's funny in pictured God as a day planner)

Call me Ms Overachiever

Ok this is just funny! I want to be the best chemo patient in the world. I know its a warp thought but funny. I was talking to a friend and I realized my Goal is to be the best chemo patient ever. What does that mean..... I guess I want to go through chemo with no problems and people say wow you are doing well. I think it is a personality flaw I always have to do things 100% or go home. Everything i do I have to do well or dying try(really don't want to do this this time)  but doing chemo well means taking care of me and riding the wave. Well truth I am not the best chemo patient ever and yes I have problems.... With God I will get through chemo and my hope this will be the last I will see of cancer. But I do think I can be really good chemo patient. Call me Ms. Overachiever.

The best day ever

This is the best day ever....ok not really just the best day in the last 5 days which have seemed like forever. I have a lot of energy and just feel good but I have had a lot of best days....the day my daughter was born...the many days with my dad talking....the day I met dave and the day I married dave...the day Kyle actually act like he liked me .....the day the kids graduated.....the day I received my master degree....the day they said all the cancer was gone and today. And the many days I see Gods smile in the faces of hurt children and the many days when God is so real I feel his touch. But today seems like the best day ever. ;)

Meet my friends "side effects"

My joints hurt,my muscles hurt, my stomach is upset, I am tired and I am having a variety of other side effects.this has happen off and on today. To the point I did consider jumping off this chemo trip ....I read about people who stop chemo in the middle, today I understand. However with God I can do it. Dave prayed for me and friends prayed..... I experienced relief. I wish I could say my first thought was prayer but no my first thought was give me &$@& something. But then prayer and it works. Thank you God for the peace more than anything.      My sister,today,  told me to make friends with my side effect. I thought ok ......really you are crazy . She explained that these side effect are sign the chemo is working and I should take comfort in knowing its working. Well true..... so meet my friend "side effect". Of course they are not my BFF....I am not willing to go that far.

All is good

Much more energy today. Though the afternoon a little more tired. Seem to loose steam about 1. That's ok because I like having energy in the morning. I enjoyed the morning sunshine and all the time with God. Thank you for another day. All is good

Nothing

Well first side effects start last night . I didn't sleep very well and I started to feel nausea. I slept off and on all day . Did feel like much of anything. My mouth was dry and I had some weird taste stuff going on. But all in all not too bad. I did walk around the block and read some but just mostly slept. I really have nothing funny to say today.

Another beautiful hair day

Well done with my first chemo treatment. Went well really. It was pretty long ( got there at 8:45 and left at 3) met some interesting people and of course had some laughs . All and all good. I had a great amount of peace for the most part except when I first sat in the chemo chair. I think that stressed me out and then this lady just kept talking and Dave kept looking at the chemo bag and then at me....I did have some $&$2$):(:( thoughts at that point but txt one of my friends so she could pray. Then the peace came back. Right now I am doing good. I do have more meds than I ever thought I would have on my bathroom counter and I am hyper-sensitive to anything I am feeling but really good. I am thinking about taking a walk with God. No not dying but actually going for a walk and talking to God. Praise him for a beautiful hair day again.

Choosing the better

Sometimes I get so focused on the problem I can't see God. When I start to feel hopeless,alone, fearful and full of dread, this is a sign that my mind is full of fear and I have lost sight of God. God doesn't change, he is always the same. What changes is my focus. The funny thing is the minute we turn back to gaze on him, we see his open arms and his willingness to have us sit at his feet. Just like Mary choosing what is better. ( Luke 10:38-42)

Checking out

Ok I wish I could "check out" meaning I wish I could say oh that is sad you have to do chemo. Stay strong you are so strong. I will pray for you maybe even pray with you. I would Remember every so often to text or call you but I do have my own life so good luck with that chemo thing. I know that sounds harsh but I feel that today from a lot of places. Is it natural....well yes .... no one can do this for me. I can share my feelings but I can't share the actual drug. I can't share what it will cause my body to do ....I can tell people but I can't give it to them...I got to do this alone....I feel alone today for a variety of reasons.....however God is an every present God and yes he will share this with me. He never checks out because he can handle anything....that's why people check out because they are human and they can only do so much...I can only do so much so today I am laying my future chemo at Gods feet and checking out because I too am at my limit.

My armor on

Lets just say I am a person who loves a plan and loves to be prepared....ok really I LOVE this. Now on Wednesday I will have my first chemo treatment. I want to be prepared....I want to make a list .....I want to think of everything that I need .....fill a bag and get set. That sounds so wonderful but (there is always a but) I really don't know what I will need ....I can guess and listen to other who have had similar treatment but I won't know until I do it.  HOWEVER I know who does know ...he knows everything, he sees everything, he understands everything and he loves me completely....GOD ....be still and know I am God. He is preparing me by putting on my armor ......love this he is preparing me because he LOVES being prepared way more than me...nothing takes him by surprise...so this terminator (cancer killer) is getting her Armor on ...which was made by the GREAT IAM ....awesome I really used a lot a capitals this time ..:)

Peaceful place

It is interest what can give me comfort....today I left the house early with no real destination. I have to be at work by 8 before BC I would go in as early as 6. Once I received the diagnoses I decide 8 was my goal I need less stress and more peace. So anyhow I left early this morning and found myself at panara.....I just feel peaceful here....I like the people at panara they all seem to want that same peace and they are just talking....I am sitting across from a group of women who look like great freinds I love that .....what other places give me peace you might ask...the fabric store. I love all the color and the texture and of course the potential , I love Starbucks I just love to watch the people and of course drink coffee. The people at Starbucks are a little different then panara they always seem to have something to do. I also love churches with stainglass of course you can't order coffee at most of those churches :) these churches are usually very quiet and in some way give me peace they also remind me do my Dad both earthly and spiritual.

Fearless

This weekend I found my fearless necklace....I lost it in Dec and looked all over the place and couldn't find it. Then when I got diagnosed I looked again still couldn't find it. This weekend I told God (more liked cried) that I was afraid of chemo and all that was with it.....however I knew he will be with me as he has been all along...later I found my necklace which is a dog tag with the word
"fearless" on it...I already had the "I am" tag. Now I have " I am fearless" .....I hear you God... I am fearless because God is the Great "I am" .....truth

Dessert

One of my best friend and sister-law said this and I want to remember this.....remember God will let you be done with this process when the cancer is Forked....God with a dessert fork in his hand ...why it is the last fork used in the meal, This is then one to officially Fork cancer.

Business of killing cancer cells

Heard from the dr on Thursday. I will be going through a short course of chemo. I will have 4 session over a two month period. On Wednesday I am meeting with my dr to get all of this set up. Due to the results of testing chemo will be a preventative measure. Then from there I will have a course of radiation which consist of daily treatments for 5 to 7 weeks. We caught the cancer early on so these treatments are not as aggressive. 
Emotionally I continue to try to deal with my plan verses God's plan and just allowing myself the space and time to deal with things. Dave is the best husband for me in all of this. He has been praying with me and being very loving. I need prayers for strength and clarity with how and what I am doing and prayers for Dave's strength and wisdom. 
Well now I have somewhat of an idea of what I will be doing for the next 4 month. Killing cancer cells ...that will be my new business. I am in the business of killing cancer cells...I believe based on this journey so far God see this as much more than that.  This is going to be quite the ride I better hold on :) 

Waiting in peace

Ok this is the way I see it this morning...either I trust the world or trust God....I am waiting in peace trusting God.

Still waiting

Really......I just got off the phone with the lab that is doing my oncotype test...very nice customer service representative named Vic. He told me that my official 10th day was Friday march 1st and they estimate being done on Friday. I wanted to say "Vic, if someone doesn't get it done sooner I may get in my car and drive to California and kick some ass" but since I am trying to show  "ridiculous  love"  this month...I just thanked Vic for his time and then Vic said he would call me when my test was done. How nice but really how utterly frustrating to know a man name Vic will be letting me know when I can move on with this thing. God I am your child and I believe you are in this ...truth but that doesn't make it less frustrating. Still waiting

Wait

Let's get on with this....really can we just do something ...but I have to wait. Every time my phone rings I think its the doctor tell me the results are in. I think I am going to have post traumatic stress disorder from waiting for these test results. If a task has a due date in a month my first reaction isn't can I get it done ...I don't know what I will be doing in a month.....I comb my hair and think will I have my hair in a month....I lay down to sleep and think will i have to struggle to get comfortable in a month....so much in this time of waiting .....I WANT MY LIFE BACK.....but then I still wait ...I take comfort in knowing Gods timing is perfect ..so I trust that I need this wait time .......but really God could we get on with it but maybe I am not  ready....I know his timing is perfect.

No cancer today

Today I clean my house, made a package to send to my daughter, went out to brunch with a friend ,sat and watched stupid tv, quilted...normal day off. I even thought no cancer today. It felt normal until the place called that was doing the test to check to see if I agreed to pay what the insurance wouldn't. Really but I ain't got time for that ....no cancer today ;)

And God was there

On January 15,2013 my doctor office called and ask me to meet with my dr in a half hour. Well it isn't good news when the dr office calls and tells you to meet with your dr and it isn't good news when they want you to come in that quickly. Also I just had a breast biopsy so yes this isn't good. I was at work ,so I walk across the hall and ask a friend to come to my office. I shut the door and said the dr office just call and wanted me to come in and then said $&@&, $&&@, $&&$, it's cancer ........dam dam dam .  Well Kelli went to the office with me and that is what the dr said. I called my sister on the way to the office. Couldn't get her but my brother in-law had her call me. She listen to all the dr said. The question then was well what do I do now. I just got news that would change my life for ever. What do you do. I don't mean how do you get help because the dr office did all the calls to the needed dr appointment. What do I do with myself . Go back to work.....that doesn't seem logical but staying home alone was really not attractive. Kelli and I got Starbucks and sat at my house and I breathed. Called a couple of people and then went to work and told my boss. Then I went to bible study because that is what I do on Tuesday. My friends listen and loved on me. Where was God .....one he was in the timing. They told me two to three days. I told people it would be three to five days to give myself time to process. The call came at work I wouldn't have answered if I had known but it came the next day after the biopsy. God knew I needed someone to go and he pick the perfect friend because she is so in tune with people's feelings. She gave me time and did not argue with me when I decided what I needed to do. Also he made sure my sister heard the dr because she needed to help me process this. And he blessed me with it being a Tuesday because these bible study ladies are my life long friends who love me and know me. One more thing that blessed me is kelli took a bunch of sticky notes and wrote scriptures on them. Those notes saved me in days to come. Yes God was right there with me and gave me everything I need to carry me through.

Jesus freak

This is a hard blog to do but here it goes.....I went to the medical oncologist yesterday and basically he said I need to get a test of my tumor to see if I need chemo. Lets just say once again my plan and God plan collided. My tears last night were a mixture of frustration that this is not just done and sadness with chemo in the picture. I know that I can't plan or control this but it doesn't keep me from trying. I just got myself open to radiation now chemo is being looked at. Well what do I do with all of it. Give it to Jesus I know that is easy to say but really doing it is actually somewhat easy todo because really let's face the truth I don't have any other option. God is needed and is involved....so after a lot of tears and my hubby's heart felt prayers I am looking at the next 7days as a rest from cancer and a walk with Jesus. The test results will come back in 7-10 days. I like that.....I really getting to be a Jesus freak

On to....

Ok reality, I probably have some cancer cells still left. I have to say that because otherwise I would question treatment. Studies show woman who undergo lumpectomy and do not have any treatment have a very high chance of the cancer coming back in the same spot. Eventhough I like to say I am cancer free....not quit accurate. So now on to treatment. Lord what ever is in my future one thing I know for sure is you will be right here with me. I am blessed and have be blessed. Also thank you for just the right husband because he is perfect for me :)

Truth

Ok I just need to say this to someone (and yes I know this is a blog and I am really talking to no one) but if I had my choice (which I don't and really,I wasn't ask if I want to),i would not go to the oncologist tomorrow. I would just go to work and pretend that I am just ok but yet that is not the reality. I want to stay in this period of time after surgery but before the treatment start. The quiet moments where no dr are poking and giving me % and where I believe I am cancer free. Yet tomorrow must come. Truth I like to think sometimes that this is all a dream that I will wake up from and than God it was only a dream :)

The story unfolds

Wow going back to work about wipe me out! Amazing how much life takes..... I want to remember how sweet God has been in this cancer journey. So many things and so many opportunities to see him. I am going to blog them because somehow this blogging helps me to feel the reality of this situation. (Even though I feel like I am miss spelling everyword and my grammar sucks but that is another idol I deal with)
The day before my second surgery I went to the grocery store to get prepared for recovery ( that is one of those thing always be prepared funny I sometimes don't know what I am preparing for) I had a tough recovery after the first one and thought I better prepare for that. The emotions of this situation were overwhelming. As I entered the store I started to think about how my emotions can stop me from thinking and how much my friends have carried me through this. Then I thought about my
 Brother Dan who died more than a year ago of lung cancer. I wondered if he felt this overwhelming emotions and how did he deal with it and then I thought about my dad and the same thing. I started to cry right there in the grocery store.  Then God.......at that same moment(or really close).one of my friends text me a sweet note and she text me all through the grocery store until I was done. Then she said how proud she was of me to get through the store.  Why did she text when she did because she followed God prompting. God has been in the details of this situation. A friend responding to a need is God Holy Spirit at work in my life .....love that

My new normal

Tomorrow back to work but not back to normal. I've started my new normal now which means I need to deal with cancer treatments and take care of myself. This is surprisingly hard. I have always thought I had the tendency to be a little selfish. You know thinking about myself to much and my needs. This however is difference it is more about taking care of this vessel so God can use me to be light into the world(that sounds so Holy but really that is what God wants all of us to do). So now when I am tired I need to rest ,when I am hungry ,eat stuff that will nourish my body and exercise. Of course I like the last one but now I can't go crazy just move my body not try to run it to death.
Here is another rather surprising detail I want to not just move on from this. At first that is truly all I wanted to do but now I want to learn what God is teaching me through this my new normal. He is calling my name and speaking so sweetly to me I don't want to loose that and go back to the crowdy noisy world. I like this new normal today.
Another thing since I am just rambling(I wonder if I will reread these or just think they are to long) I believe my body is working very hard and it is amazing how it is protecting me and regenerating. God did a fine job creating this body. I am wonderfully and fearfully made :) thanks sis for telling me this .
One more thing I have so many people praying for me I am amazed . I am on everyone prayer list. That just feels good. A friend of my sister put me on a list where nuns are praying for me 24 hrs a day .Cathy said if I wake up in the middle of the night I would know someone is praying for me. That is very comforting. So there you go....my new normal.....I like this

The nitty and gritty God

Ok time to blog again. What did I do today relax. I know "really" but yes I relaxed all day.Listen to music, read a good fiction book , watch some reality tv, went for a walk and sat and meditated on all that I have to be thankful for. I am thankful for Gods truth, his unfailing love, his ever present spirit, for time to breathe before starting the next leg of this journey, for people he has put in my life that just love me, for an unbelievable strong husband that is a rock. I thank God for moments of unbelievable peace and calm to great fear and anger because it all pointed me back to my Father. I thanked God for people who filled the gaps when all I could do was cry and pray" help me God". Those people prayed for me ,they stood in the gap. The truth so far in this journey is that God is in the details. I knew he was in the big picture. However,when someone gets involved in the details of your life, They are in the down and dirty. I have experienced God in the down and dirty ,in the details of my life. I like that ...a down and dirty God ....well maybe a nitty and gritty God that sounds better :)

Best news

You know what the best news is when the dr office calls and says your pathology report came back neg. yes it is official as of today I am living as a survivor ...a pink lady ....ac after cancer today feb 4 2013.... God glory I am a winner

I ain't superwoman

Well how am I feeling today ,you might ask:
Physically: good, not too much pain and generally good energy. Went for a short walk around the block ( it is amazing I am happy with that considering in July of last year I was running 13 miles but I digress ). Overall considering I have had two surgeries in the last two weeks. I feel pretty good.
Mentally: today is a strong day. I hear Gods words of comfort in emails and also phone callers. He is blessing me
Emotional: well let's just say I have some anger. I wish it was the screaming, yelling kind (though Dave wouldn't like it) I wish I could just have a fit and get it out of my system but that isn't what I am dealing with. This anger is the slow brewing kind that seeps out at all the wrong times. I know it's there and I understand it but really it has no focus. I am not angry at God I have been at times in my past but not over this . I understand we live in a fallen world crappy stuff happens. I am not angry a people. Though sometimes it seems like it. I know we are all doing what we can. I want to be angry at cancer but really cancer is just cancer with a little c. I am angry that I can't just live my life like I always did. Love God, love people (some people) and work. Have a little fun and live. Now I got to take more care of me.....that is not what I want to do. I don't have no time to take care of me....really now I have to take care of me. That is probably the most frustrating thing....I have limits...really I realize I just didn't think I did. That's just funny. I ain't superwoman .......

Waiting

I really glad this surgery is at 10 and not at 1 because I am thirsty and hungry. I woke up at 3:30 of course and now the waiting begins. Wait to check in, wait to complete paper work that i already completed the first time,wait for the dr, wait to go to sleep, wait to completely wake up, wait for pain meds to kick in, wait for someone to put my clothes on,wait for dave to get the jeep,wait to go home and then wait for the next pathology report to come back. God does a lot of waiting too. Wait for us to seek him wait for us to read his letters, wait for us to see Jesus , wait for us to love others ,wait for us to come back to Jesus, and wait for us to truly surrender and wait for us to get it. I think I like my waiting better.

Settle down

My dog will not settle down. As she has gotten older every noise bothers her. The dryer,the phones a car drive by and of course the weather. Today she won't just lay down.....up and down, here and there. This is kind of what I feel but more in my emotions up and down not settled. Every thought today brings a new emotion. I feel God saying come to me and I will give you rest. God here I am I need a little rest. Listen to music close your eyes come into my arms :)

And so it goes

Well and so it goes. On Friday I will be having surgery again ,my margins were not clear of cancer so they got to go in and clean it up. I did know this was a possibility but was hoping that I could skip that ......not so much. I know that the doctor was praying for me as she performed the surgery so I figure really that is as good as you can get in a situation like that. Well God is still good and I am still his beloved,  cancer or not. :) keep those prayers coming because I am feeling stronger everyday like I can fight giants. A friend of mine and I decided my nickname should me Melvid(like David when he fought the giant) I like that because I also want to be a woman after Gods own heart :) it's funny when you think about all of this has happen within the last 18 days amazing how life changes and so it goes.

Change is a coming

I think today I need to re priorities my life. I know duh! I am not sure how this will unfold and I believe I will be giving up some stuff, adding some stuff but I feel a change is a coming. Things have already changed. I now have a "cancer" folder. In it is all the important information that goes with this cancer stuff. Dave and I refer to it as the cancer folder. Kind of funny "Hey Dave grab the cancer folder". Never thought I would say that :) Also now when the tv mention cancer I hold my breathe while my emotion catch up. I am more aware everyone has a story and its good to listen. I want to clearly state I don't know how anyone can face this cancer thing without God. His present has been a real comfort to me and I feel him so close that every detail he knows. God is good all the time which means it doesn't matter what I do or what happens,God never changes. What a relief because I change all the time and now it seems from one moment to the next I can change.

Emotions

Wow have I gone through the whole gamut of emotions today. First, anger because sometimes people don't know what they say hurts or people you love let you down. Then just sadness which seems to be on going because of cancer. Then fear because I have to go to the surgeon. Fear about what will this looks like and what will she say.  Then excitement because the pathologist is saying that he isn't seeing anymore cancer. (Yeah ) Then caution  because in order to really know I have to wait until tomorrow to have the whole report. So today was a full day of emotions. I forgot and a whole bunch of love with all the texts,calls and visits. Wow I am tired. Cancer attacks your body but also your mind.

I am a wimp sad but true

Needing help is weird for me .....I usually don't need it ....i would say i am one independent lady...but I really need help with this.....I don't want to go to the Surgeon alone....really how hard is it to go have the bandages removed.... How hard is it to face those cuts and the bandages and to hear the surgeon talk about my surgery .....well really hard it makes it real.....thanks Katie for going with me

Today I kind of like pink

I feel much better today. Yesterday was long with some pain. I was in and out most of the day until about 7 pm and then the cloud started to clear away. I just have pain under my arm where they took out the lymph nodes. Here is where we are with the cancer.  The pathologist will be looking at the tissue and lump these next two weeks. He/she will be looking at the cancer and also expecting the lymph nodes. The initial look said no cancer in lymph nodes but they will do farther test to make sure ( I like that).  In a wk or two one of my dr will let me know what my course of treatment is. We know this will involve radiation which will kill any cancerous cells that are left and then also prevent recurrence. What other treatments will depend on the pathology report.

How am I emotionally? Actually pretty good I still have moments of disbelief but really the surgery helped so much to give this the reality I needed. I am surrendering to God and have confidence in his plan he has for me. My scripture for the day is Job 23:10 ( I really didn't like The book of Job until today funny) I believe he is good all the time. Don't get me wrong I still cried today I am not super woman.

What do I need : prayers, texts, calls and just to be loved on with out smothering me :) I will let you know when it's to much.

A dear friend gave me two books yesterday that are perfect....they really speak to what this is like. So if you ever get this diagnoses or a friend does or u just want to know read these books " Dear God, They say its cancer" by Janet Thompson and " praying through cancer" both are good the first talks more about emotions :) I also received a book from the cancer center  " breast cancer treatment handbook" excellent     Well all in all life is good. Today I kind of like pink :)

Blessed

No cancer in the lymph nodes. Yeah! I am blessed..

Being present! When my dad was taken to the hospital toward the end of his life, something happen that gave us all comfort. My uncle Dean and Aunt Pauline came everyday, stayed in the waiting room and waited with us. They were just present. It was amazing how much comfort that gave us. I have had the great pleasure to experience that. Yesterday when I had the cancer removed ,many people came and just waited. Some I didn't even get the chances to see but all of them gave me  and my family great comfort. Being present makes all the difference.  I just knew I wasn't alone and when the recover nurse and Doctor both said there is a lot of people here to see me. They had a wide Eyed expression but I just got a warm feeling. I am loved. Sometimes in the past when people I know have been in the hospital I would think what am I going to say ,they won't even know or I have just been to selfish to be present and just not show up. I  will now try to always be present. 

Kicked that cancer to the curb and not letting it into the lymph nodes praise God .....I am blessed

Maybe

Ok I understand why I am sad. I woke this morning with just a sadness. Not sure why......yes I have surgery but I am not afraid ....I am going to heaven sure bet. Yes they are cutting on me but really in and out surgery.....not taking out my heart just cancer. Well there you go Mel that's why your sad.....today after all the talking it becomes real. Today, that little sliver of hope that maybe the extremely smart doctors with all their millions of test are wrong, will be put to rest. Today cancer becomes real to me,maybe.

I quit

Wow had a great lunch at Olive Garden. Even had dessert ,I never have dessert. Then went grocery shopping with Dave......nice day except of course the appointment at the cancer center and the blood work for the surgery tomorrow. Cancer again seems to sneak into a perfectly fine moment and puts a big blob of #%<% right in the middle of it. I feel like I can't breathe one moment and laughing with Dave about pulling the plug if something happens another moment. This just seems crazyyyyyyyy. I can tell you this somethings just don't matter anymore. God, people and laughter that matters. How many things I get done in a day doesn't matter , if my hair looks good doesn't matter, what the scale says doesn't matter,who gets to do what doesn't matter . Friends that come to work to get you to go home because you have surgery tomorrow matter, friends that say I love you  matters, a husband that carries the bag of potatoes because you  have cancer matters, friends that pray with you matter, friends that say fork that cancer matter, family that call just because matter. Ok I will do this.

Really I am done

Ok really I am done with this cancer stuff. Done,finish,over ,on to something else. Goodbye, see you never,, get out of here I Am REALLY over you. Today I am done but yet that isn't the truth. It is just what I feel. Today I dealt with what I could then walk away from the rest. I am just tired. I wish I was on the beach having a cold one and watch the waves come in and out .......but the cancer. Today I got a cancer bear that a bunch of ladies made and prayed over. I like that. I also received a fork because I am going to fork this cancer in the butt. Really I liked that to. I am done but God isn't.

Well going to kick cancer out on Thursday

Lets just say I am amazed how fast this Is working. Cancer came a calling on Tuesday and we are kicking it out this Thursday. Now I know that isn't the end but let's just say the lump will be kick to the curb on Thursday. I hate cancer but there are some cool things that have happened. I now have a true excuse for anything. Don't want to clean ...I have cancer. Don't want to do the laundry ....I have cancer. However it doesn't always work on my husband. Wanted to have ice cream last night ,he did want to go get it.  I said but I have cancer........I had to still go get it,he was watching football. Wow that was cold :)

Timeline

Today I feel like I want to make sure I know the timeline:
Somewhere in nov felt the lump
Dec4 -hurt my foot :(
Dec 18- the Good dr put a boot on my foot
Dec30 Arizona with moms car
 Jan 7- Dr Berch felt that darn lump
Jan 10 mammogram need biopsy
Jan 14 biopsy
Jan 15 cancer diagnosed :(
Jan 18 Dr Migas wonderful cancer doctor
Jan 21 breast surgeon

And on we go

Honestly this is the first day I woke up and didn't want to cry! Maybe today is acceptance and surrender to the journey. Ok a lot of people do have cancer,many live long lives and this is just what I got. That doesn't make it less hard it just makes it life. Thank you God for all that you do and allow us to experience you Glory. I would never say this cancer is God's doing. We live in a world with a lot of bad crap in it . Sometimes God allows the bad crap to touch our lives for whatever purpose. That's ok he is smarter than me and sees it all. I just ask that he allows me to be his light in this. Well that is how I see it today this minute who knows what is next.

Great day

Well this has just been a great day! Dave ministered to me first thing this morning. Speaking words of peace and focus. I loved that. Then I had the blessing drinking coffee and chit chatting with some wonderful ladies. Who wanted to support me and share my life. Then my mom called and spoke words of love and support. I skyped my daughter and saw her wonderful face. Then Dave and I went to dinner with a great couple. With all of this I came home to a present of hope left by a amazing family. All and all a great day except for this cancer thing. But one bad apple don't make the whole bunch bad :) that makes me laugh

Thank you

Yesterday I found myself thanking God for this journey. Not the cancer so much but the process and the whole process before the word cancer came in to my life. So I will try to explain. This morning I woke up sad,crying and wanting to skip this. Just saying to God why is it still here,part of me thought maybe today it would be gone. Funny...... So as I sat at my prayer table I saw a sticky note that my dear dear friend had given me Matt 11:29   And decided to go to that verse. Of course after struggling with finding a verse on my own or doing something. The first words are "come to me ".....I need to come to God.....I put on some great music started to meditate on God ( my happy place) .... Once I was with him and feeling him. Then I went on with the verse "all who are weary and heavy burdened".....well yep that is me I listed and gave him all of that cancer, people I am concern for, time how long this is going to take, my plans for the year, school, the kids, of course my family, that person who made me mad yesterday and my hurt and anger, and just all of it . Then the next verse... "And I will give you rest".....feel his rest and then accept it, now it is mine ....I sat in it a while ....next verse ....."Take my yoke upon you"...well how do I do this . I started to looked that up and also tx my friend and sister-in-law. It is amazing I have some one up a weird hours like me someone weird enough to tx back. Thank you God. Anyhow she tx "take his guidance that what a yoke does. It also forces you you to follow God exactly. It is light because he carrying it too. And you stay close to him. .......that is right where I want to be Immanuel. God with me and that is exactly how I have felt so many times over these past few days him right here with me. Thank you God for this journey that I am right here in your arms.  I feel a little like Moses when God past by he saw glimpse of him. ( you know not really Moses I am not that spiritual you know what I mean) thank you for this journey God

Well cancer has come to visit but it can't stay

On January 15 I was told you have cancer .....well now this just changes things....did someone tell cancer I had this year planned and truly don't have time. It's rude to just come with out calling first but some things don't know these rules. Soooooomany emotion and soooo many people are affected not just me cancer you are just rude . Go Fork yourself