Settle down

My dog will not settle down. As she has gotten older every noise bothers her. The dryer,the phones a car drive by and of course the weather. Today she won't just lay down.....up and down, here and there. This is kind of what I feel but more in my emotions up and down not settled. Every thought today brings a new emotion. I feel God saying come to me and I will give you rest. God here I am I need a little rest. Listen to music close your eyes come into my arms :)

And so it goes

Well and so it goes. On Friday I will be having surgery again ,my margins were not clear of cancer so they got to go in and clean it up. I did know this was a possibility but was hoping that I could skip that ......not so much. I know that the doctor was praying for me as she performed the surgery so I figure really that is as good as you can get in a situation like that. Well God is still good and I am still his beloved,  cancer or not. :) keep those prayers coming because I am feeling stronger everyday like I can fight giants. A friend of mine and I decided my nickname should me Melvid(like David when he fought the giant) I like that because I also want to be a woman after Gods own heart :) it's funny when you think about all of this has happen within the last 18 days amazing how life changes and so it goes.

Change is a coming

I think today I need to re priorities my life. I know duh! I am not sure how this will unfold and I believe I will be giving up some stuff, adding some stuff but I feel a change is a coming. Things have already changed. I now have a "cancer" folder. In it is all the important information that goes with this cancer stuff. Dave and I refer to it as the cancer folder. Kind of funny "Hey Dave grab the cancer folder". Never thought I would say that :) Also now when the tv mention cancer I hold my breathe while my emotion catch up. I am more aware everyone has a story and its good to listen. I want to clearly state I don't know how anyone can face this cancer thing without God. His present has been a real comfort to me and I feel him so close that every detail he knows. God is good all the time which means it doesn't matter what I do or what happens,God never changes. What a relief because I change all the time and now it seems from one moment to the next I can change.

Emotions

Wow have I gone through the whole gamut of emotions today. First, anger because sometimes people don't know what they say hurts or people you love let you down. Then just sadness which seems to be on going because of cancer. Then fear because I have to go to the surgeon. Fear about what will this looks like and what will she say.  Then excitement because the pathologist is saying that he isn't seeing anymore cancer. (Yeah ) Then caution  because in order to really know I have to wait until tomorrow to have the whole report. So today was a full day of emotions. I forgot and a whole bunch of love with all the texts,calls and visits. Wow I am tired. Cancer attacks your body but also your mind.

I am a wimp sad but true

Needing help is weird for me .....I usually don't need it ....i would say i am one independent lady...but I really need help with this.....I don't want to go to the Surgeon alone....really how hard is it to go have the bandages removed.... How hard is it to face those cuts and the bandages and to hear the surgeon talk about my surgery .....well really hard it makes it real.....thanks Katie for going with me

Today I kind of like pink

I feel much better today. Yesterday was long with some pain. I was in and out most of the day until about 7 pm and then the cloud started to clear away. I just have pain under my arm where they took out the lymph nodes. Here is where we are with the cancer.  The pathologist will be looking at the tissue and lump these next two weeks. He/she will be looking at the cancer and also expecting the lymph nodes. The initial look said no cancer in lymph nodes but they will do farther test to make sure ( I like that).  In a wk or two one of my dr will let me know what my course of treatment is. We know this will involve radiation which will kill any cancerous cells that are left and then also prevent recurrence. What other treatments will depend on the pathology report.

How am I emotionally? Actually pretty good I still have moments of disbelief but really the surgery helped so much to give this the reality I needed. I am surrendering to God and have confidence in his plan he has for me. My scripture for the day is Job 23:10 ( I really didn't like The book of Job until today funny) I believe he is good all the time. Don't get me wrong I still cried today I am not super woman.

What do I need : prayers, texts, calls and just to be loved on with out smothering me :) I will let you know when it's to much.

A dear friend gave me two books yesterday that are perfect....they really speak to what this is like. So if you ever get this diagnoses or a friend does or u just want to know read these books " Dear God, They say its cancer" by Janet Thompson and " praying through cancer" both are good the first talks more about emotions :) I also received a book from the cancer center  " breast cancer treatment handbook" excellent     Well all in all life is good. Today I kind of like pink :)

Blessed

No cancer in the lymph nodes. Yeah! I am blessed..

Being present! When my dad was taken to the hospital toward the end of his life, something happen that gave us all comfort. My uncle Dean and Aunt Pauline came everyday, stayed in the waiting room and waited with us. They were just present. It was amazing how much comfort that gave us. I have had the great pleasure to experience that. Yesterday when I had the cancer removed ,many people came and just waited. Some I didn't even get the chances to see but all of them gave me  and my family great comfort. Being present makes all the difference.  I just knew I wasn't alone and when the recover nurse and Doctor both said there is a lot of people here to see me. They had a wide Eyed expression but I just got a warm feeling. I am loved. Sometimes in the past when people I know have been in the hospital I would think what am I going to say ,they won't even know or I have just been to selfish to be present and just not show up. I  will now try to always be present. 

Kicked that cancer to the curb and not letting it into the lymph nodes praise God .....I am blessed

Maybe

Ok I understand why I am sad. I woke this morning with just a sadness. Not sure why......yes I have surgery but I am not afraid ....I am going to heaven sure bet. Yes they are cutting on me but really in and out surgery.....not taking out my heart just cancer. Well there you go Mel that's why your sad.....today after all the talking it becomes real. Today, that little sliver of hope that maybe the extremely smart doctors with all their millions of test are wrong, will be put to rest. Today cancer becomes real to me,maybe.

I quit

Wow had a great lunch at Olive Garden. Even had dessert ,I never have dessert. Then went grocery shopping with Dave......nice day except of course the appointment at the cancer center and the blood work for the surgery tomorrow. Cancer again seems to sneak into a perfectly fine moment and puts a big blob of #%<% right in the middle of it. I feel like I can't breathe one moment and laughing with Dave about pulling the plug if something happens another moment. This just seems crazyyyyyyyy. I can tell you this somethings just don't matter anymore. God, people and laughter that matters. How many things I get done in a day doesn't matter , if my hair looks good doesn't matter, what the scale says doesn't matter,who gets to do what doesn't matter . Friends that come to work to get you to go home because you have surgery tomorrow matter, friends that say I love you  matters, a husband that carries the bag of potatoes because you  have cancer matters, friends that pray with you matter, friends that say fork that cancer matter, family that call just because matter. Ok I will do this.

Really I am done

Ok really I am done with this cancer stuff. Done,finish,over ,on to something else. Goodbye, see you never,, get out of here I Am REALLY over you. Today I am done but yet that isn't the truth. It is just what I feel. Today I dealt with what I could then walk away from the rest. I am just tired. I wish I was on the beach having a cold one and watch the waves come in and out .......but the cancer. Today I got a cancer bear that a bunch of ladies made and prayed over. I like that. I also received a fork because I am going to fork this cancer in the butt. Really I liked that to. I am done but God isn't.

Well going to kick cancer out on Thursday

Lets just say I am amazed how fast this Is working. Cancer came a calling on Tuesday and we are kicking it out this Thursday. Now I know that isn't the end but let's just say the lump will be kick to the curb on Thursday. I hate cancer but there are some cool things that have happened. I now have a true excuse for anything. Don't want to clean ...I have cancer. Don't want to do the laundry ....I have cancer. However it doesn't always work on my husband. Wanted to have ice cream last night ,he did want to go get it.  I said but I have cancer........I had to still go get it,he was watching football. Wow that was cold :)

Timeline

Today I feel like I want to make sure I know the timeline:
Somewhere in nov felt the lump
Dec4 -hurt my foot :(
Dec 18- the Good dr put a boot on my foot
Dec30 Arizona with moms car
 Jan 7- Dr Berch felt that darn lump
Jan 10 mammogram need biopsy
Jan 14 biopsy
Jan 15 cancer diagnosed :(
Jan 18 Dr Migas wonderful cancer doctor
Jan 21 breast surgeon

And on we go

Honestly this is the first day I woke up and didn't want to cry! Maybe today is acceptance and surrender to the journey. Ok a lot of people do have cancer,many live long lives and this is just what I got. That doesn't make it less hard it just makes it life. Thank you God for all that you do and allow us to experience you Glory. I would never say this cancer is God's doing. We live in a world with a lot of bad crap in it . Sometimes God allows the bad crap to touch our lives for whatever purpose. That's ok he is smarter than me and sees it all. I just ask that he allows me to be his light in this. Well that is how I see it today this minute who knows what is next.

Great day

Well this has just been a great day! Dave ministered to me first thing this morning. Speaking words of peace and focus. I loved that. Then I had the blessing drinking coffee and chit chatting with some wonderful ladies. Who wanted to support me and share my life. Then my mom called and spoke words of love and support. I skyped my daughter and saw her wonderful face. Then Dave and I went to dinner with a great couple. With all of this I came home to a present of hope left by a amazing family. All and all a great day except for this cancer thing. But one bad apple don't make the whole bunch bad :) that makes me laugh

Thank you

Yesterday I found myself thanking God for this journey. Not the cancer so much but the process and the whole process before the word cancer came in to my life. So I will try to explain. This morning I woke up sad,crying and wanting to skip this. Just saying to God why is it still here,part of me thought maybe today it would be gone. Funny...... So as I sat at my prayer table I saw a sticky note that my dear dear friend had given me Matt 11:29   And decided to go to that verse. Of course after struggling with finding a verse on my own or doing something. The first words are "come to me ".....I need to come to God.....I put on some great music started to meditate on God ( my happy place) .... Once I was with him and feeling him. Then I went on with the verse "all who are weary and heavy burdened".....well yep that is me I listed and gave him all of that cancer, people I am concern for, time how long this is going to take, my plans for the year, school, the kids, of course my family, that person who made me mad yesterday and my hurt and anger, and just all of it . Then the next verse... "And I will give you rest".....feel his rest and then accept it, now it is mine ....I sat in it a while ....next verse ....."Take my yoke upon you"...well how do I do this . I started to looked that up and also tx my friend and sister-in-law. It is amazing I have some one up a weird hours like me someone weird enough to tx back. Thank you God. Anyhow she tx "take his guidance that what a yoke does. It also forces you you to follow God exactly. It is light because he carrying it too. And you stay close to him. .......that is right where I want to be Immanuel. God with me and that is exactly how I have felt so many times over these past few days him right here with me. Thank you God for this journey that I am right here in your arms.  I feel a little like Moses when God past by he saw glimpse of him. ( you know not really Moses I am not that spiritual you know what I mean) thank you for this journey God

Well cancer has come to visit but it can't stay

On January 15 I was told you have cancer .....well now this just changes things....did someone tell cancer I had this year planned and truly don't have time. It's rude to just come with out calling first but some things don't know these rules. Soooooomany emotion and soooo many people are affected not just me cancer you are just rude . Go Fork yourself